Transitioning an empty nest...Yes, There IS Life after 50

Many of my clients have reached that age when their children are moving away from home or have been out of the house for a few years and they are wondering what to do with all of the stuff that has been left behind as their young adults fly the nest.

I know from personal experience that this is an uncomfortable space both physically and emotionally. As you purge and recreate spaces to suit your life, you will take steps to declutter: repurpose, donate, and recycle. Only, some of this stuff was your kids' stuff, the stuff that made up your family life, and even the seemingly trivial of things take on a larger than life value. How can I part with all of this? Who am I without it? Does parting with it negate its former value? Does letting go make me a bad parent?  What will I forget if their stuff is no longer within my sight or touch? If you are like me, these are some of the questions lurking and haunting your brain.

The thought of losing your purpose as you part with the stuff of your life is very common. It can be enough for many people to cling too tightly to too much for too long. Whether your children have taken what they want and have their own stash of sentiments boxed for treasures' sake, or are just beginning the shedding process, there comes a day when the empty spaces stare back at us. Instead of feeling a sense of possibility and excitement, we may feel overwhelming sadness and a sense of loss. I have heard this breaking point referred to as "The Wall of Panic." Ironic, because this is the point where there is actually enough space to really make changes that will move you forward into the next chapter of the book of your life.

I encourage you to trust that you  are going to fill the voids, if not with things, with memories, experiences, and discoveries. There IS life after 50. But it takes great courage and faith to believe that when the dust clears, and there are empty spaces staring back at you, that you are making way for something really good. Not better, just different. Less stress, more joy! Not erasing what was important, but making room for our lives and our hearts to expand.

Here are a few ideas from friends and clients for honoring memories while limiting the space required to house them. Feel free to share your favorite ideas with me. 

1. Digital scrapbooks/memory books. One of my favorite examples of this is on    erinfarrellphotography.com

2. Scanned photographs, slides, and negatives done at home or better yet, by a professional. I trust Nelson's Photography in Little Italy to do a great job!

3. Pieces of favorite garments crafted into a quilt. This can be made using anything from baby clothes, favorite rock concert t-shirts, to your father's favorite silk tie. If you don't sew, hire your favorite quilter to make it personal for you.

4. Review old cards and letters, keep a few favorites in a pretty box on display and recycle the rest.

Make it fun when you purge with your adult children. Crank up the music, have tasty snacks, and your favorite drinks close at hand. Letting them decide alongside you,  may be all that is needed to let go and to bless someone else with the bulk of it.
 

Decluttering...what stays and what goes, where you will stop, nobody, but you, knows!

Everywhere I look, there is a post, a magazine article, or a blog talking about the thing that has so many people baffled. What to do with your stuff. How do you decide what to keep? What exactly does it mean to declutter and what is the fuss all about?  And what about the sentimental treasures? There is no one-size-fits-all recipe, but there are guidelines that hold true for almost everyone. They are just vague enough for you to make your own spin on it and to feel successful. And I will happily share them with you now. Keep what you need and get rid of the rest. 

If you need it, use it, or if it truly makes you happy and you have the space for it, then it stays.  It's that simple!

For me, decluttering and holding on to things for way too long has been a lifelong dance, a bit like fluctuating weight gain and loss. And hey, more on that later, because I see a connection between letting go of "stuff" and letting go of unhealthy eating patterns that by extension allow us to remain overweight. Decluttering isn't something you do once and then forget about. It is a part of a lifestyle that allows you to relish the ebb and flow of the stuff of life. Letting go of what no longer makes you happy or serves a purpose in your present life may bless someone else. And, that makes parting a bit sweeter and opens up a place for something new.

I moved homes several times as a child and as an adult. But one of the most memorable moves was during fifth grade. I am remembering something that happened 47 years ago, so forgive me for embellishing to make my point. What I remember is that one day I was content and happy in my life and in my home of almost 5 years, and then the next I was told we were moving  and that I had a few days to sort and pack my room. The idea of organizing my things was completely overwhelming and in a rash moment, I threw away all but a few treasured art pieces and mementos of my youth. I was starting over and I mourned the loss of my neighborhood gang and my schoolyard friends before we had even left the driveway. No amount of paper could make up for what I was leaving behind. I am grateful that I kept letters from my Nana, paper dolls that my mother had played with as a girl, and a few other treasures including a red teddy bear with an eye missing. It made sense at the time to purge and declutter. I was starting over.

But, the lack of physical stuff bothered me on some level; it must have. It would explain my irrational need to keep every scrap of paper from my own children's school days. Sentimental, yes! But, what I have kept of theirs fills many scrapbooks, most of which they will probably rarely, if ever, review. I suspect any psychologist would recognize this attempt to refill a space or need.

As I write this, I feel a sense of closure for the first time about parting with my childhood stuff. And isn't it interesting that after all of this time, my sister reconnected with some of the people from our neighborhood gang which has begun a Facebook reunion. After all these years, the memories of such happy childhood moments are there, with or without the scraps of paper and the boxes of stuff. I am not suggesting that you purge everything. Not at all. Just be ruthless in choosing just enough to make your heart sing, but so not so much that its care and keeping becomes a full-time job. People and events are the stuff of lasting memories. And, yes, I am so happy that Zoe kept this photo, even if I DO look ridiculous with that scarf upon my head!

*photo by Barbara Watkins, taken first day of school, September 1968, used with permission from Zoe Watkins Stigler and Barbara Watkins. Thanks for sharing!

Treasures...Keep those cards and letters coming...and going!

Ever need to stay home while work is being done to a part of your house? Did you set aside a special project or task, easily interrupted, to occupy you so that you were available for the potential myriad of questions from the soul who chose to assist you in refreshing your home? My advice is this: have a stocked fridge, the coffee or tea kettle ready, and a clear work space. And if you are visually hypersensitive, as I am, then know what soothes you during the disruption to your visual senses. For me, I am calmed by Mozart, deep breathing and objective family members who remind me that this disruption is temporary.

Painting the master bedroom and bathroom seemed like a brilliant idea, especially on paper when I scheduled it a few months ago. Amazing how a simple, fresh coat of paint will cheer up a room! I am fortunate to have high, sloping ceilings in my bedroom, and although I could do this task myself, do not relish the idea of tottering on a ladder craning my neck for three days at such a lofty height!

Sunday was spent pulling everything out of my room to make space to move the large furniture into the middle of the room come "paint day." This could have taken an hour, but...those of you who know me, know I cannot simply remove things without peering inside the drawer, the box, the trunk. So I spent much of Sunday looking through my personal things, sorting, purging and reminiscing.

Yes, I can be very organized. But I am also sentimental and have a little trouble letting go of treasures! Mine includes boxes of cards and letters that have collected over the years never to be tossed or dismissed. Today I read through about 100 cards and letters sent years ago. Yes, I sat in the midst of my office, crammed full of the overflow from my bedroom, and poured over old messages and pretty cards.

There are several from my Nana, and many from mother's cousin who has faithfully written to me a few times every year with her beautiful, recognizable penmanship. Despite having never met her in person, I feel a connection through these many letters.

These treasures reminded me yet again of the many blessings in my life...friends and family, moments and events, weddings and  births, and thank you's for long since forgotten gifts of self. Saying thank you is such a simple task and yet so meaningful to the recipient. I have a happy heart tonight as I write a few thank you's of my own. I am saving a few of the cards and letters for myself, setting aside a few to share with friends and family to remind them of long past memories, and recycling the rest! They have served a beautiful purpose, a walk down memory lane, and now safely stashed in the "blue recycle bin" for the next collection. Perhaps, they will serve to save a tree!

Photographs and Memories...sometimes a change is as good as a rest

You may have noticed that I quote children's literature frequently. One could argue that I have a simple mind, or perhaps, simply, that I read books aloud to my children so many times when they were young that the stories are permanently etched into my memory leaving an easy path to cherished, happy moments in time?! Let's not argue...both answers are correct. And who could not love Winnie The Pooh?!

My son and oldest child will graduate from high school in a few weeks. So it is no surprise that I am pensive and moody, remembering the path that has led to this point in time where I appreciate the mature young man he has become. As I anticipate family arriving in a few weeks to celebrate with us, I am compelled to revisit and to change the photographs on display in our more public rooms.

My usual MO is to frantically clean and menu plan, shove the clutter into drawers or the garage. Not restful and not relaxing to be around me when I am in company is coming mode. But the sense of order that has evolved in the house over the past few months is allowing me to take a different direction which is unexpected, liberating and restful not only for me but for everyone in the house. Even our cat, Gabby has her ears in neutral position. (see Hallways, Entryways and Alleyways)

So I found that I had time to spare and began what I call my photo project. The same photographs have been sitting on display, some for the past 12 years, so I did not remove them without feeling a little angst. Some will be placed into albums, and the few that remain our true favorites will be reframed and displayed in what we refer to as the reading room.

I have grown to truly love and appreciate the calmness of a simple black frame. They tend to look modern and fresh. And, the photographs become the focal point. But although we have an eclectic style, modern doesn't truly suit some of the spaces in our home. Lucky for me,  I discovered a few, old world style black frames on sale at one of my favorite stores. Photos will soon be hanging on the walls in a few chosen spaces. They will be quick and easy to dust.

As the clutter is replaced with open spaces, I feel a growing sense of calm. You have got to love that!